Updated: Jul 28, 2020
Now, I would like to preface this by explaining that the reason I share these moments, this vulnerability, is because I see it important that others can read about my journey to feel heard. As survivors, we sometimes become engulfed in the idea that we are alone in what has happened to us. This could be from a spouse who instills that idea in their mind, a friend who did not see it as a big deal, or, in my case, a family willing to gaslight them into feeling guilt over something done to them. I want to share my story so that survivors talking about these issues becomes normal. Let me reiterate, I do not wish to normalize sexual assault. I want to create a safe environment for us to talk openly and honestly about this.
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FAMILY:
Do you remember this little girl? This sweet girl who deserved love, who deserved to be cared for. This little girl who deserved to be protected. This little girl who grew up to have PTSD and anxiety and crippling mental issues because her family didn't protect her. This little girl who felt outcasted by the people who were supposed to love her most. This little angel who had no idea what a normal family dynamic was so she didn't know what she had to speak up about.
What's up family (and you know who you are)? Remember me? Your neice, your daughter, your granddaugher, your cousin, a living, breathing human being. I ask if you remember me because you haven't called. I ask because my name has been on your lips and you have had no inclination to reach out to me with your questions. No, rather, you already have decided what you believe and speaking with me would do no good for you. Let me remind you, I HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN FROM THIS. There is no prize at the end of the rainbow, there is no benefit to me saying this. NOTHING. All I get from this is pain, a pain that has affected my life today. A pain that prevents me from living, loving, caring, and prioritizing the way a person should. A pain that leaves me with flashbacks and seizures and inconceivably painful migraines. That is the only thing I get from this.
I WAS MOLESTED AND RAPED BY PEOPLE YOU LOVE, YES MULTIPLE. THEY HURT ME MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER KNOW. I WAS A SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHEN IT STARTED. (please read that again so you can understand the severity of it. I was SEVEN, had not had a menstrual cycle, didn't know what sex was, uneducated about boundaries CHILD.
You may be wondering why I am posting this now, you may wonder after all these years why am I just now coming forward. You know what, I'll tell you! For years I felt like I had some duty, some obligation to protect my family or my family name, an idea instilled in me by the same family that has harmed me. For years I have wanted to maintain that love and connection that honestly has dissappated from the MINUTE amount of love that it was to begin with. When it dawned upon me that a lot of you have known about what has happened and my phone has not seen or spoken of your name, it finally has resonated with me. You don't value my humanity. You don't care if I live or die or survive. You don't give a shit that I can't get a full night's sleep or go to a restaurant without sinking into panic and images of my past. IT DOES NOT MATTER TO YOU THAT I SPEND MY LIFE IN CONSTANT FEAR OF EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. And finally, it does not matter to you that I am not okay or how I am doing, I am of no use to you in this state. To be honest, I don't think the care was ever much there.
I do not care if you believe me. I know what happened and I live with it every mother fucking day. Yes, it was necessary for me to curse because that is how serious and strongly I take this. You may think that because a cousin of mine took back her story that I will too. Let me remind you in this moment that not only do I have nothing to gain, but also I have retained this narrative for the past fifteen years. Guess what, IT'S NOT CHANGING. THIS IS MY TRUTH.
A friend of mine advised me to cut off the limb and move forward and to be honest, I think I am finally ready to do that. I am done with you, not that you care. But consider this my official farewell to a harmful, toxic, traumatizing past. Don't expect me to call and sure as shit do NOT expect me to step foot in the entire state of Colorado. Thank you all so much for abandoning me when I needed family most. I mean it. I am so much better off without you and this garbage, victim blaming, toxic, atrocious environment that places value on a grown ass CHILD MOLESTER over an innocent child who was harmed.
So, please take a look at the little girl here and remind yourself of what you have ignored and what that has done to this sweet angel. Remember the type of human you are for this. And remember that if this seems disrespectful, it's intentional. I no longer have respect for a family who could betray a little girl like this. And consider me not naming specific people in this the last thing I ever do for you.
That sweet little half jewish girl.